Dec 11, 2023
So I wanted to tell you my story, and as I started thinking about what to say, I got lost in all the details about how my husband had an affair while we were going to couples counselling, and all of the subsequent examples of manipulating, controlling and down right abusive behaviour that made me realize I had been married to a narcissist…. but that’s his story, not mine.
My story is about how I am healing - and I say ‘am’ because I don’t believe healing is actually ever over, there is always something to learn; another level to rise to.
But I have been at rock bottom, and then found myself spiralling down further still. I have struggled financially, to a point where I honestly didn’t know how I could keep going, but I did, because what other choice is there? Every day I made it through and I learned to be proud of myself for just that, nothing big or special, just making it through.
I learned that I cannot control anything or anyone, so why let anything or anyone control me - they only have power over me if I let them, so I stopped letting them. And I know that you know it’s not easy, because their behaviour doesn’t change, but it’s how I chose to let it affect me that changed.
And that was my first lesson learned - that I was a people pleaser. That was my default, my defense mechanism to create an easier life. But not a happy life, because while I was trying to make sure everyone else was happy, I certainly wasn’t.
And as I continued working on myself I came to recognise how and why I learned to put others needs before my own, and that helped me to take the first steps towards trying to work out what my needs were, because I’m damned if I knew!
I processed so many memories, beliefs and repeating patterns and learned about who I was and what took me off track and stopped me believing in myself, in my life and my future; what lowered the value I placed on my life... and I began the journey to reverse those beliefs and tell myself the same thing that I have always told my kids - that I can be or do anything I want, I just have to want it enough, believe it is possible and take steps towards it, not just sit back and blindly hope that it will come to me.
And then I had a life changing energy healing experience. I was receiving a session for a sore shoulder, which is connected to the back of the heart chakra (which coincidentally or not, is related to past relationships!) and I had a very physical reaction to the release of blocked energy. I suddenly became dizzy, feverish and nauseous, and then my hands and wrists started vibrating violently. It was the most intense feeling… but when I opened my eyes and looked at them, they weren’t moving. I felt a little crazy and I was like ‘ummm, you can’t see it but my hands are vibrating like crazy - what should I do?!?’ and Michael, the instructor, just assured me that I was releasing energy and to do whatever felt right to me… so I just basked in the feeling; it was incredible to feel this release, because even though I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t deny that it was happening! And it was like a weight was lifted from me, the weight of everything that I had been through, everything that I thought I was dealing with pretty well by now, but that was it, I was still dealing with it… until that moment when it left.
Now, healing is a journey and I’m not about to say from that moment on everything was peachy! I still have shit going on, I still have bad days, even weeks, when I struggle to stay positive BUT I have this trust, this faith, that everything is working out - just not as fast as I would like, and not in a straight line, and possibly not to the exact destination that I had in mind - maybe to something even better. I have this sense of calm now that somehow overrides the stress and the worry and helps me get through it.
I am getting better at self care, slowly! Getting used to the practice of putting myself and my needs first. I take time out if I need to. I am kind and compassionate with myself, I give myself permission to have bad days, days when things might not get done, when I need to remind myself that those things really don’t matter more than I do… and while doing the work of loving myself I have learned so many new lessons, gained so much more understanding about myself and my purpose.
It’s taken me a really long time to get here - it’s been nearly 9 years since my world fell apart, but I am in a place where I am so much happier now than I would have been if I hadn’t been shaken up so much. I’m still not ready to say I’m glad I went through it all - I wish there had been an easier way to do this, to strip away all the coping mechanisms that buried me alive and to find me from under it all, but I am glad I’m here now.
And with everything I have been through and everything I have learned along the way, I knew that I can help others navigate their own transformation and that is what I have been doing for the last few years. I guide others on their journey, so that their process might be quicker and more gentle than mine, and if not, that they have a place of support to help them through.
It is never too late, you are not starting again, you are releasing the things that no longer serve you, even if they did once, and you are moving on to something new. What if the next phase holds opportunities beyond your wildest dreams, would you be willing to let go of the past in order to receive everything that’s coming to you? It might seem scary to forge a new path, but the alternative is that nothing changes and isn’t that possibility more scary?
I hope I am able to inspire you in some small way, whether it’s through the words and thoughts that I share, my free or pre-recorded hypnosis sessions and courses, or working with me personally. I truly believe there is a reason you are here; a reason that you found my little corner of the world.
You are not alone and I believe in you.