Trusting Yourself AgainJan 13, 2024
When someone you trust betrays you in life, in a way that you didn’t see coming (even though you probably should have done as there were plenty of signs and red flags, but you we blind because you trusted them!), it is devastating for so many reasons.
My world fell apart and life was incredibly painful for a long time as I navigated through this. I have heard over and over that when you’ve been cheated on it becomes hard to trust people again, to be vulnerable and let them in, because clearly you carry the weight of the previous outcome as a constant reminder… but that hasn’t played out for me!
I guess I’m just a trusting person and I still always expect the best from people. I believe that the people I connect with will be good, honest people and I’m always caught off guard if they’re not… the person I don’t trust anymore is ME, because aren’t I the one who is making the wrong choices here?
Every time someone lets me down I internalize and try to work out what I did to create this situation. Did I say something that was better left unsaid or did I keep quiet about something I should have voiced? Was I too much or too little? What should I do in the future to prevent this from happening again? Who should I be and how should I act so that people will treat me the way I deserve, when being myself clearly isn’t working! And yet, maybe this whole time it’s been that I haven’t been myself. Maybe, deep down, after all the healing work I have done, I’m still identifying as someone who has to make other people happy.
Yes, I’m a People Pleaser, I always have been. I’ve always felt the need to make other people feel happy, like that was my responsibility, and if they were happy I would be happy, but if they weren’t happy then I had failed them in some way.
I never learned MY boundaries, I would just keep moving them to accommodate other people’s needs, because if I needed people to be happy surely my boundaries should just match their boundaries?
When you are suddenly on your own and there is nobody who you are responsible for, it can feel hollow. It can make being alone a really difficult time, not because you are lonely or you don’t like time to yourself or you don’t have any number of things you could do, but because now it’s all about you and where the hell do you start with that when you’ve always made it about other people!?
Start with self love and self care. Allow yourself to feel everything. Feel lost, feel alone, feel stuck, feel overwhelmed. Don’t fear those feelings, but allow them the time and space they need to flow through you, because that is the way that they will pass and doing so will provide the space for what’s next for you. The space to slowly add the new and trust that you know what that means for you.
I’m almost 10 years into my healing journey and I’m learning. I’m learning that people will always come and go and that’s OK. I’m learning that I am NOT responsible for how anyone else feels. I’m learning that their actions are about them and not me and that when I feel let down by someone else, it’s OK, it doesn’t mean I’ve done anything wrong.
Like the saying goes, people come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. I am slowly creating my own boundaries so that I can be myself and know when to hold on and when to let go. I love getting to know the people I meet for a season and I'm learning to be grateful for ALL the people who come into my life for a reason, even if I don't enjoy the reason! And I am blessed to have the people who I know are in my lifetime category, they fill the good times with joy and laughter and memories and give me strength and support through the bad. I know I can count on them and lean on them and be my true authentic self with them and they know I give them the same. Find these people, know these people and more importantly know who does not fit that role for you and be OK with that.
If you struggle with trust, know that it gets easier. Learn to listen to your gut and make the hard decision to walk away when your gut is screaming at you. Your body knows the things your mind resists, so quiet the mind and listen to your body. And while you are learning to do that, make sure there is someone in your life that will scream at you to respect your boundaries and tell you what you can’t yet see for yourself.
If you would like some help with setting boundaries and trusting your intuition, here is a LINK to a free guided hypnosis recording on YouTube.
With Love and Support